Losing a Child & Suicide (part four)

On the way to the hotel I got a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I started screaming for the shuttle driver to turn around and he couldn't. The other people on the shuttle were looking at me. I pushed open the door and jumped onto the street but quickly realized I did not know where I was.  I was yelling that my baby is dying. As we pulled up the hotel my pager went off. I called the hospital and was told I had to come back. I knew. So I go back to the hospital and was stopped from going into his room. They tried blocking me but I just pushed the door open and started running for the room and a doctor came in front of me. "did he die?' I asked. He just nodded his head. I fell to the ground trying to make it to his room but kept going anyways. They  were trying to stop me from going in but there was no stopping me. As I entered the room I saw a nurse taping a washcloth to his chest and another throwing away a bloody tube. I grabbed him. He was naked. There was blood splatter everywhere.  I kept wrapping him and unwrapping not knowing what to do. Should I cover his face? Should I not. How did the priest get there before I did? I was angry! I go home the next day. On the way to the airport the sun was shining and all I could think of was how is this world continuing without him? I get home and all I could think of for days is that my son was out there without a mother, and that I let him die all alone. I felt massive guilt for putting him through all of that. I couldn't get the image out of my mind from when he opened his eyes. Days, turn into weeks, weeks into months, and all I do is sit there and stare off into space thinking he is out there somewhere without a mom.