Sunday, January 20, 2013

bullying n suicide, told by a victim

This is a story sent by one of  the readers of being bullied and his suicide attempts. I cried. 

I remember as a young kid probably in first or second grade. peers at school would always make fun of me for my differences. at that age i thought about death nd how i should die. i was always scared of the outcome of my demise. but i remember vividly thinking of killing myself as a young kid. i had no one to turn to. i didn't think anyone loved me at my innocent aget of 7/8 years of age. i felt so alone nd hurt. you're asking how can an innocent child ever think of suicide??? Well i did as an innocent child i did, because at that young age. i felt that everything was my fault. I was abused, beatened for reason's i don't remember. i remember telling myself everything is my fault, every time i tried my best to be a happy child somehow in someway i'd b punished by my parents and say it's my fault. So i believed them, it was my fault. Slowly i started walking down this walkway of depression nd suicide. Believing everything i did was my fault nd that i had nothing more to live for. So i started thinking of how i should kill myself. i thought of using a knife nd stabbing myself. nd i though of how my death would look. i remember seeing bloody matteress blankets nd bedsheets. i remember crying nd telling myself in my head i'm useless, i don't have any real friends. my parents don't love me. those thoughts alone should have killed an inncoent child. i remember being so heart broken full of grief nd pain. crying to myself all alone thinking of getting a knife or ulu to stab myself or cut myself anywhere to bleed to death. At school i was a happy ready to learn kid, inside i was hurting. I remember my classmates always happy nd wondered how they never hurt the way i did. I never did show my feelings at school unless i got hurt. My childhood was a happy nd dark phase to go through. classmates, older students, nd a few youngsters would always call me faggot. i remember the pain, so i believed them i wuz a faggot. yet i remembered asking myself wen i wanted to kill myself for the first time, who will i hurt. i thought of everyone in my house, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. what will i miss out on. i thought of birthday's, christmas', easters, summer time fun. and where will i end up when i die. i remembered somehow for no
reason hell came to my mind. i told myself i don't want to burn forever. At this time my parents weren't church going people. crying my heart out alone in the house before parents or sisters coming home.
At the age of 9 or 10 i remember i could have successfully killed myself by taking two handfuls of tylenol nd going to bed because i wuz tired of all the loud nights of television. however, i didn't die because i remember waking up in the middle of the night. rushing to open the window and puking out all the tylenol that i had taken. I remember telling myself, never again will i do that as i wuz puking out all the tylenol.
Yet as i wanted to kill myself i kept asking my self these three questions, who will i hurt the most if i killed myself. what will i miss out on. where will i end up when i die.
Growing up was hard for me because of the way i "acted". I remember the saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me. Fukk that saying words did hurt my sensitive heart. they affected me to become an "Outcast" but few people kept me in their sights. always made sure i am noticed.
My parents told me they loved me growing up but i remember telling myself, it's empty love. it's meaningless. if they actually loved me, they wouldn't try to beat me to break me. How did i know it was empty love??? I just had that feeling that there was true meaningful love out there somewhere in this world. i just couldn't put my finger on what that true love was. i was brain washed by my parents saying if i didn't love you i wouldn't have punished you. i remember being whipped endlessly for two to three minutes. with whatever my dad could grab his hands on nd being beatened for a small ordeal which i choose not to remember. those two to three minutes of beating felt lyke an eternity. and through those beatings, i told myself it's all my fault. i'm worthless to them because they beat me.
My final attempt was after moving back from *****. i went around the local gas station nd used my neckwarmer to try an hang myself. As i was about to step off the ledge, i used my weight to do a test nd my tounge stuck out. After i did that i remembered a lady years before she hung herself nd her tounge stuck out. I told myself, hell no! i don't want my tounge sticking out while my body lays lifelessly.
I just want someone to realize they're loved and worth every moment alive. remember these three questions. WHO WILL I HURT? WHAT WILL I MISS OUT ON? WHERE WILL I END UP WHEN I DIE? I will never forget those three questions. those questions i asked myself saved my life

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