Monday, August 12, 2013

Random thoughts years later

As I am about to have a child, I sometimes feel sad that my son will never know his culture. But, it is a choice I am making and will stick to. I will never, ever bring him to the village that I grew up in. It hurts to know that he will never really know his heritage, but until things change its not something I am comfortable subjecting him to.
I am now 31 years old, and I often have dreams of getting raped at my grandmothers house. It's always in the porch, but not always by the same person. I wonder if I will have these nightmares for the rest of my life?
I also wonder if my uncle who is now free is abusing other little children? What's going to stop him? I know from speaking with family who is still back home that he hasn't changed and even seems more aggressive in his perverted ways, even openly making suggestions of having relations with his own relatives. Which makes me recall a time when he called drunk and told my mom (his own sister) that she really pisses him off because shes his own sister and "won't let him do it to her". What the hell goes on these peoples minds?
I also was reading the articles about the priests abusing people in St. Michael, and one of the priests named was a priest in my village, which makes me wonder if my uncle was abused? (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/the-silence/)
I recently had a strange dream about my grandfather who I've never met coming and speaking to me, about how heartbroken he was to see his grandchildren this way. He told me that someone needs to be protecting the younger ones. Is that my conscience feeling guilty for not returning?
But I know in my heart, that there is NO possible way of me ever returning to that place. What in the heck would happen when I came face to face with the man who did those things to me? I don't think anything pretty would come of it. I've had over twenty years to be thinking of this, and I know the bastard doesn't feel any remorse. And I when I think of him calling me from jail and telling me that if I didn't forgive that I would go to hell, I feel pure rage. Which also makes me wonder about people who are stuck in the village and have to face there abusers on a daily basis for ever? How in the heck do they deal?

7 comments:

  1. As I give this thread a +1, I feel I need to explain more that it's not that I enjoyed the material, I appreciate and fully respect the reach out. It's very important to "release" at times needed. We are containers of what we were truly designed to be. What we deal with in our physical life affects how in touch we are with who we really are if that makes sense to you. That being said, never feel that your son cannot learn his heritage. You and onky you define his heritage. What you see as far as beauty in where you come from should guide you in parenting him to become who you may feel you wanted to be, or better than what you currently provide. Protect him from the world, teach him where he comes from...the way it's meant to be. Keep his eyes open and reassure what he's meant to endure in life will be a different path. What you're enduring can be used as a tool rather than a pain in your life. Take a moment to (as I like ti call it) die on yourself. Let go of what pains you and close your eyes and only imagine a world you see fit fir yourself... if we can imagine it, we can create it. Apply this concept to the parenting of your son. Again, I respect this topic fully, this is only a sharing of my perspective of kife a bit in hooes it brings clarity ti a potential pain in you. God bkess... love one another. .. 1 life, 1 shot.

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    1. Apologies for the mistypes... big thumbs, tiny keys lol.

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  2. If you choose to not ever have your child visit the place where you grew up that is completely your choice. I do not think the child has to grow up not knowing his culture to heritage, that is something you can teach him if you choose to. I always thought that I would not ever raise my kids in the village because of this reason, but I realized, by doing that, I would be again allowing my abusers to win. I am not currently living in the village but do know that I will be back. Someone has to help make a difference for our future generations. Someone needs to speak up for the kids there who continue to be abused. Someone needs to help put a stop to a lot of the BS. My abusers will not win.

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    1. Agree wholeheartedly with you Desiree...please read my reply to Mateo also. May God bless you for reaching out and speaking out.

      Sandra G. Lee
      www.fffpublishinghelps.com

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  3. You are right, Desiree, and I agree wholeheartedly. "Mateo"...you know who I am, and we have talked, and you know what and who I'm all about, and what my ministry is: FORGIVENESS. I know you have a hard time forgiving your abusers; we all do, but it is true, if we do not forgive, it says in the "Word" that our Heavenly Father will not forgive us...and that would be terrible. We certainly don't FORGET the deeds, but we are commanded by God to forgive them. Even Christ when dying on the cross said, "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do".

    I was so disappointed this past week when I was in Anchorage and we could not meet due to your pregnancy and scheduling. But, I'm not going to give up, even with the geographical distance between us. I believe that I was meant to find you through your blog (and my son who drew it to my attention) and I am totally committed to returning to your village with you one day...just don't wait till I'm too old to do it. I am 70 now, and still in good health and capable of doing this...where there is a will, there will be a way. You don't have to do it alone, but for the sake of your son and other future children, don't be closed off and neglect sharing your heritage with them. You have some homework to do before this can happen, and I will help if I can. We do need to do as Desiree says and "speak up for the kids there who continue to be abused". Someone needs to help put a stop to ALL of this BS! We are the ones who have been hurt...therefore the EXPERTS on the subject. We KNOW what God says about this abomination and how He HATES it. God also said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and do not prevent them." We need to let people know what it does to generations on down the line...it doesn't stop with their abuse!! God said that "The sins of the fathers will be visited unto the 3rd and 4th generation" ...and many times further than that. This is the case in my abuse and my children and grandchildren are reaping the "benefits" of my father's abuse of me and my family. This cannot continue, and we as "Experts" on the subject need to do something. In the future your children will be proud of you for taking part in this. What do you think they will feel and think later on when they learn of your background (and they will)and realize that you did nothing. Yes, you have made a good start and you are writing about it...that's WONDERFUL and I commend you. Now we need to act on it.

    Please let me know what you think after reading this, and I would welcome comments from others as to what YOU think. We ALL have to pull together and get this stopped ASAP! God is not happy.

    Hopefully you are feeling better and stronger physically and that you bring forth your little son with no complications...I will be praying for this. Again, I'm so sorry that we didn't get to meet while I was in your neighborhood.

    In Christ's love,
    Sandy Lee

    www.fffpublishinghelps.com


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  4. It's very sad and sickening to think of other predators still roaming freely around, isn't it? Or the last statement in your post—of other victims having to deal with the abuse they've suffered and pretending to act nice to their abuser because they don't have the means and know-how to have access to proper legal representation. I am very sorry for what has happened, and I believe your son still has access to your heritage through you.

    The Zalkin Law Firm, P.C.

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