My uncle's funeral was today. I just picked up my parents and dropped them off at home. The feeling during the ride was strange. What do you say to someone who has just buried her little brother? My mom looked so tired and sad. My uncle had just gotten a passport to Canada and was planning to leave, so nothing makes sense right now. In a sense, I'm glad that I didn't make it home for his funeral. I am a very outspoken person who speaks without a filter when angry. It would have been hard to be there with everyone and all of the memories of what people did, not only to him, but to others close to me as well. There are reasons I have never gone home, but I am not going to speak of them until after some time has passed. I am worried about my Grandma. I don't wanna hear anyone saying that everything happens for a reason. I don't beleive in that, nor am I a religous person. When I watched my son suffer and die, I stopped beleiving. I respect that most of the readers here have faith, but it will not be something you will hear me speaking of. Good or bad. It's not up to what people should beleive, I only know my beliefs. I know that there is a lot of guilt going around, I have plenty myself. I should have been a better neice and called my uncle. I thought of him on Christmas which is also his birthday, but I didn't call. I am hoping with everything in me that this doesn't cause more depression in the family. I don't know what I can do to prevent it though. I know when my son died, when people tried comforting me, it sometimes caused more pain. They meant well with their words and advice, but I did not receive it well. I am at a loss for words right now. I'm worried about my aunt, who was my best friend all of my childhood, we were very close in age. Her and my uncle were even closer in age. He was a little older, so he has been there through her whole life. What does one do? That's all I have for now.
~TheModerNative
maybe you are suffering cause you dont try to beleive in god. if you dont beleive in god bad things will happen to u
ReplyDeleteThat comment right there is why I choose to stay away from religion. That's all that I am going to say. I hope that you think about what you just said and figure out what's wrong with it
ReplyDeleteI'm sad about your Uncles death. I'm sad that he was so sad. I have been blessed with a really nice life, not spoiled, never suffered much either. Except mentally I've dealt with pain that I couldn't really understand, because my life is pretty good I didn't understand why I could feel so sad and lonely. Then I also felt guilt for feeling so sad. At my darkest hours I thought- I don't want to feel this kind of pain, I never want to feel like is ever again, I wish I could vanish into thin air and never feel again. What is the purpose of life anyway? I don't know, and I don't like thinking about it too much. I'm not religious, I was raised a Christian, but have never liked to think that there was a "right religion" and everyone else is wrong. There were several years that I really doubted there was a God, those were during my worse years honestly. I've had a few events since then that gave me more hope and desire to believe. I'm not trying to push anything on you, I'm not really religious myself. But I thought I'd share a part of my life story dealing with religion. I never say " they are in a better place". I've never died then came back, so I don't feel like I can be sure death is a better place. Thinking about being dead scares me now, I'd much rather live. I think if I died and there is nothing after life, then I won't feel pain anymore so that isn't awful, it scares me thinking my being is nothing in the end though. But if I die and there is a heaven, well that probably isn't horrible either, but the idea of being immortal in a perfect world sounds kind of boring and exhausting. :l I don't know. I hope your aunt will cope with his death as good as possible.
ReplyDeleteWant to add that after the hardest times I've dealt with, all the tears, feeling alone, feeling like I might never feel satisfied, and hurting myself, that I've made it out... Things can get better, I personally know the feeling of hopelessness, anyone could have told me that things would get better and I wouldn't have been able to believe it, it would have felt impossible. I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been, I have cried because of how thankful I am to no longer be depressed. I'm emotional & my brain doesn't shut up, I will have bad moments, but there is a contentment in my heart that wasn't there before. When I'm sad and cry now it doesn't feel the same as it did two (three, four, five, six, seven..) years ago, I can't even really explain. I just want people to know that you can get better, if you heal and things get better and when they do life can feel so amazing. I try to stay positive now. I think about all the wonderful things about this world, quite literally, like the beauty of the landscape, all the amazing animals, the interesting people, and kind people. I hope I never feel depressed again.
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