Thursday, January 17, 2013
Losing a Child & Suicide ( Final part)
Soon, I begin to feel like there is no point of being here. Why am I here and he isn't? He was just a baby, he didn't deserve it. He needs me. One night when my boyfriend is sleeping I go into the coat closet and hang myself. He heard me convulsing after passing out and cuts me down. After I wake, he punches me right in the face and calls me a stupid bitch. People continue telling me that he is in a better place. A better place? HE IS FUCKING DEAD, HOW IS THAT A BETTER PLACE, would scream in my head every time. So things continue and I isolate myself further, I don't talk to anyone, don't work, don't visit family. I just can't go on. I finally go to visit my family, where I tried again in my sister's closet. Again I am saved. My neck had gashes in it from the piece of string I used. I just keep living and soon I begin to accept it, only after returning to work and opening back up again. I still thought in my mind that there was really no point and had no motivation to do anything extra. But after years, I started to heal and begin to talk about it. I start going to see a counselor. That helped me more that you will ever know. I can so understand how losing a loved one makes you feel like you shouldn't be living, but you should. Now I have a good career, a great boyfriend, a cute dog. And I have faith in myself. If I could get through that, I can get through anything. I am so glad that I never succeeded. If anyone ever needs someone just to listen, please message me. You can get through ANYTHING! I know that I thought I could never live again, and now I appreciate every moment of my life. If we keep killing ourselves, we are not breaking the cycle, the cycle of guilt and depression will simply be passed on to someone else when you leave. Please don't do it.
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I tried many more times than I wrote about, many different ways but I am only given so much space to write. Thank you all for reading.
ReplyDeleteIt give you great courage to come out & say the most personal moments of your life. It shows us that you have & continue to heal. That you faces the biggest fear any mother can have, lived through hell & was given your chance to life, twice! There is someone watching over you & expects something great out of you. This, this is it! Voicing your troubles through to help people. To help yourself. And who would have thought that it had to take a death or two to put your staple in life. In our lives! We have all experienced great loss in our lives; some, just can't cope with it too well & think suicide. I myself tried to take my own life. Pathically, over a man. Yes, I can it's pathetic, because I overcame my guilt & seen my life wasn't losing over a complete jerk. I thought he was my life, my everything. But, what man continues to be engaged to me & continue his life like he is single, cheating on me; sent be off & moved that tramp in the place I once called home?! While making wedding plans, telling me loved me, that I am his soulmate. Please! I was so broken when my speculations becane reality. My heart sunk to the lowest. I couldn't sleep, eat; had absolutely no more arrive left in me. I am still at guilt, because, I could have left my kids behind. My life is & was not worth my kids being left behind. I used to be the person to ask, why?, why kill yourself over a boy or a girl? Well, I know now how much sorrow I felt. The pain. The agony. I look back at my relationship I onced shared with him. It was all just a joke. I was in misery, which, I didn't even know at the time. I was just hung up on being with someone that did love me & our child. Hung up on a person that calls himself a man that didn't even get a rat's furry butt about me. Feeding these lies of love & care. I am happy life happened to me. I'm happy I got a slap in the face to wake up & handle things they way they should be handled. Like a Soldier. I am thankful for my friends & family for sticking by me at my very worst. I am also happy that you are opening up your heart & becoming the person you were put on this earth to be. Thank you. And Thank your Higher Power for showing you the path of courage. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteYukon Mama
Dear Yukon Mama,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, there are so many scenarios out there that I have not experienced myself, and with everyone sharing, we can reach more people. With each post I hope that we reach someone, someone, and inspire to push through whatever issues they may be having. Together we can try our best to stop this epidemic of suicide. I think that if we want it to stop we must all come together and ACT. Something needs to change and no one can do it but us. It is up to us to protect our future. TOGETHER we can bring change! Again, I thank you for sharing your story.
~TheModerNative
Thank you for sharing. By the third post I had cried. As a mother I can't imagine going through this, it's to scary to even think about. You are a very strong woman to have endured this and to have become a better person. Your sons death was not in vain, I'm sure he'd be so proud of how strong his mom is. I'm so intrigued by people's intuitions, how could you know in your gut something was wrong without any definite reason? Intuitions seem like a superhuman sense, something science can't explain, it is stuff like this that help me have more faith in something devine. I turned to a counselor for help when I didn't know how to help myself, it was one of the best decisions I made. I learned so much and I felt comfort in talking through my problems with someone that had solutions, I highly recommend it to people that need emotional help. Your son & your Uncle would be proud, I'm proud and I hardly know you. Take care dear, and keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteDear anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your response. I do believe counselors help, unfortunately, most villages don't have any, most don't even have a hospital. Thank you for your kind words, they touched my heart.
Please continue reading and sharing.
~TheModerNative
Thank you for this sharing your life with the world. To show your culture, your struggles and also your victories. Your ancestors and your family are proud. Glad you had counselors to help you sort things out and refocus... those of the professional kind and those that were your friends. Keep writing and sharing. People need to know the village life. People need to hear the life of a ModerNative. The New Story Teller. Right on.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading! I do feel lucky that I had counselors to help, unfortunately most villages lack the resources needed. I hope that through this blog, people can realize the effect that actions can have on others. I think that if we want to stop the tragic epedemic, we need to change within ourselves. We need to realize how serious this is and do something. Simply listenting to someone once a year or whatever it is, simply isn't enough. Someone told me that it is just too expensive to have someone out there, so it is up to us. Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot to me. I have been asked already why do I think anyone would even listen, so all the encouragement definetly motivates me.
Quyana,
~TheModerNative
your just glorifing suicide. if kids reaad this they are going kill there self to get famous. your stupid
ReplyDeleteYou are wrong to call her stupid. Talking about it makes it better. If you've never felt so sad you wanted to die, then you don't know how much it helps to hear how others have also been that sad. Silence kills. I hope suicidal kids do read this and do see that they can overcome and thrive. I also think it is very mean spirited to say something so nasty on a public forum. You should apologize.
ReplyDelete