As I am about to have a child, I sometimes feel sad that my son will never know his culture. But, it is a choice I am making and will stick to. I will never, ever bring him to the village that I grew up in. It hurts to know that he will never really know his heritage, but until things change its not something I am comfortable subjecting him to.
I am now 31 years old, and I often have dreams of getting raped at my grandmothers house. It's always in the porch, but not always by the same person. I wonder if I will have these nightmares for the rest of my life?
I also wonder if my uncle who is now free is abusing other little children? What's going to stop him? I know from speaking with family who is still back home that he hasn't changed and even seems more aggressive in his perverted ways, even openly making suggestions of having relations with his own relatives. Which makes me recall a time when he called drunk and told my mom (his own sister) that she really pisses him off because shes his own sister and "won't let him do it to her". What the hell goes on these peoples minds?
I also was reading the articles about the priests abusing people in St. Michael, and one of the priests named was a priest in my village, which makes me wonder if my uncle was abused? (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/the-silence/)
I recently had a strange dream about my grandfather who I've never met coming and speaking to me, about how heartbroken he was to see his grandchildren this way. He told me that someone needs to be protecting the younger ones. Is that my conscience feeling guilty for not returning?
But I know in my heart, that there is NO possible way of me ever returning to that place. What in the heck would happen when I came face to face with the man who did those things to me? I don't think anything pretty would come of it. I've had over twenty years to be thinking of this, and I know the bastard doesn't feel any remorse. And I when I think of him calling me from jail and telling me that if I didn't forgive that I would go to hell, I feel pure rage. Which also makes me wonder about people who are stuck in the village and have to face there abusers on a daily basis for ever? How in the heck do they deal?
Showing posts with label concerns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label concerns. Show all posts
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Walk a mile in my shoes, would you have made it?
One of the hardest things for me growing up, up until the day I spoke up about my uncle, was going to my Grandmother's house, which was a daily thing. I truly LIVED NEXT DOOR TO MY ATTACKER. I can speak about this from experience. Every day of my life I had to face him and act as though nothing was wrong, but believe me, every time I laid eyes on him, I had thoughts of doing things no person should ever think. I literally would have to converse with the person on a regular basis as though nothing was ever wrong. The hatred that it created was much too great to explain in writing. I was always on edge, and always felt like he was about to do something to me. Some nights, I would fantasize about the ways that I could kill him. About how easy it would be to do one of the nights he drank himself into a drunken stupor. Thankfully, I never acted on it.
We as a community can prevent so much tragedy and heartache by simply speaking up. We can stop these people from victimizing others, we can empower other people to speak up. There is NO reason to try and silence the victims or to defend their attackers, family or not! What they are doing is wrong and creates a lifetime of heartache, which will go on to create even more problems in the future. Telling a victim to be hush about what happened or saying they are making it up, is doing nothing but further victimizing that person.
I myself had many serious issues that I know aren't all directly related to what happened, but I'm sure some of my actions were my way of acting out because I was so full of hatred and had no where to direct it.
We should all place ourselves in the victims shoes, think about how hard it must be to live your life day to day going face to face with someone who did such things to you, and how it must feel to know that if you say anything, that you may rid yourself of your attacker, but you must still face those who turned on you for doing what was right, knowing that there is no way around it. Think about it.
We as a community can prevent so much tragedy and heartache by simply speaking up. We can stop these people from victimizing others, we can empower other people to speak up. There is NO reason to try and silence the victims or to defend their attackers, family or not! What they are doing is wrong and creates a lifetime of heartache, which will go on to create even more problems in the future. Telling a victim to be hush about what happened or saying they are making it up, is doing nothing but further victimizing that person.
I myself had many serious issues that I know aren't all directly related to what happened, but I'm sure some of my actions were my way of acting out because I was so full of hatred and had no where to direct it.
We should all place ourselves in the victims shoes, think about how hard it must be to live your life day to day going face to face with someone who did such things to you, and how it must feel to know that if you say anything, that you may rid yourself of your attacker, but you must still face those who turned on you for doing what was right, knowing that there is no way around it. Think about it.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Child Molestation, final piece
So at school I started to be mad at everyone and never wanted to do anything. We were walking in line to the gym one day and I did not want to go. The teacher aide was like come on , why are you being so slow? At that point I remembered being taught about "good touch, bad touch" so I busted out crying and told her. She mocked me. She repeated what I said with a sneer and with high pitched whiny voice and said hurry up. I never spoke up again.
Soon we were brought to Seattle to be reunited with our parents, and I never told my father. I often thought of him beating my sister's boyfriend almost to death and for some reason did not want him to do the same to my uncle.
As the years go by I continue keeping this inside. I would only wear clothes that were wayyy too big for me. I would not let my mother fix my hair. I did NOT want to be attractive in any way. Before I would go to sleep at night, I would surround myself with chairs and other big objects so that I could hear if anyone came near me.
In the fourth grade, I started to get very sick, I would throw up every time I ate, my stomach was always hurting. I lost about 15 pounds on my already tiny body. My parents kept bringing me to the hospital in Bethel, and the doctors always said the same thing. I was faking it. One day I threw up dark thick blood, so my parents pooled up enough money to take me to Anchorage. While there I got an endoscopy and it was discovered that I had bleeding ulcers. The doctor knew right away and brought me to a room and asked me point blank. I broke out in tears and did not say anything still.
I was given medication that helped, and sent back home.
As the years go by, I am told by other relatives that the same uncle was doing the same things to them. This infuriated me as I was the oldest cousin.
Soon at 17 I was ready to go off to college. I start thinking, I'm never coming back anyways, and I called up the Alaska State Troopers and speak up. I tell them everything, including what he is doing to my cousins. After I spoke up, some of my cousins also told. Other's did not.
About a week later, I stopped at my Grandmother's house and my uncle was standing there reading his indictment. He yelled at me, "why did you say these things about me? I'm going to go to jail for a long time!" I yelled back, "cause that's what you did to me you sick fuck! Your ass was probably even too drunk to remember!" Then my Grandmother came out of her room and yelled at me too. Saying that we shouldn't say those things about family members, we should always keep the peace. I stormed out mad and hurt as ever. How could my grandmother think that this was OK? I soon leave off for college. My Grandmother and I don't speak for years. About two years after my uncle was arrested and convicted, he had the fucking nerve to call me. He told me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to go to hell. I also got a Christmas card from him, telling me that he confessed his sins to God and that if I forgive him it was a sin. WTF?!?
But I felt a new sense of freedom knowing that he was paying for what he did, not only to me, but for what he did to my younger relatives as well. I felt empowered. At about 23 I called my Grandmother, and asked her why she thought that was OK. I was crying and she apologized. We now are very close and she understands.
Soon we were brought to Seattle to be reunited with our parents, and I never told my father. I often thought of him beating my sister's boyfriend almost to death and for some reason did not want him to do the same to my uncle.
As the years go by I continue keeping this inside. I would only wear clothes that were wayyy too big for me. I would not let my mother fix my hair. I did NOT want to be attractive in any way. Before I would go to sleep at night, I would surround myself with chairs and other big objects so that I could hear if anyone came near me.
In the fourth grade, I started to get very sick, I would throw up every time I ate, my stomach was always hurting. I lost about 15 pounds on my already tiny body. My parents kept bringing me to the hospital in Bethel, and the doctors always said the same thing. I was faking it. One day I threw up dark thick blood, so my parents pooled up enough money to take me to Anchorage. While there I got an endoscopy and it was discovered that I had bleeding ulcers. The doctor knew right away and brought me to a room and asked me point blank. I broke out in tears and did not say anything still.
I was given medication that helped, and sent back home.
As the years go by, I am told by other relatives that the same uncle was doing the same things to them. This infuriated me as I was the oldest cousin.
Soon at 17 I was ready to go off to college. I start thinking, I'm never coming back anyways, and I called up the Alaska State Troopers and speak up. I tell them everything, including what he is doing to my cousins. After I spoke up, some of my cousins also told. Other's did not.
About a week later, I stopped at my Grandmother's house and my uncle was standing there reading his indictment. He yelled at me, "why did you say these things about me? I'm going to go to jail for a long time!" I yelled back, "cause that's what you did to me you sick fuck! Your ass was probably even too drunk to remember!" Then my Grandmother came out of her room and yelled at me too. Saying that we shouldn't say those things about family members, we should always keep the peace. I stormed out mad and hurt as ever. How could my grandmother think that this was OK? I soon leave off for college. My Grandmother and I don't speak for years. About two years after my uncle was arrested and convicted, he had the fucking nerve to call me. He told me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to go to hell. I also got a Christmas card from him, telling me that he confessed his sins to God and that if I forgive him it was a sin. WTF?!?
But I felt a new sense of freedom knowing that he was paying for what he did, not only to me, but for what he did to my younger relatives as well. I felt empowered. At about 23 I called my Grandmother, and asked her why she thought that was OK. I was crying and she apologized. We now are very close and she understands.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sex offenders and acceptance
A reader of mine brought up an interesting point. She was living in a small village where her attacker was free to roam after the crime was committed. Why are we so willing to forgive these people? Is it because we want to avoid conflict? Do we simply act as though nothing ever happened just to keep peace? Are these victims living in peace? Is it fair to them?
The ratio of number of residents in Kotlik to the number of sex offenders is 46 to 1 http://www.city-data.com/so/so-Kotlik-Alaska.html
" And no place, women’s advocates say, is more dangerous than Alaska’s isolated villages, where there are no roads in or out, and where people are further cut off by undependable telephone, electrical and Internet service" http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-high-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Of those fourteen, six of them were convicted for a crime against a minor. " Alaska Natives constituted 49 percent of the sex offender group and 46 percent of offenders overall. " For the categories of sex offense, 63 percent of those convicted of sexual abuse of a minor were remanded, 50 percent were rearrested and 36 percent were convicted of another offense—although not necessarily a sexual offense. For offenders convicted of sexual assault, the rates were 79 percent, 63 percent, and 45 percent respectively" http://justice.uaa.alaska.edu/forum/25/1-2springsummer2008/g_recidivism.html
So I did a little research and the numbers are very disturbing.
In my village there are 14 registered sex offenders and 577 people. What are the chances of running into your attacker? Pretty dang high I'd say, given it is only about a mile long, with one post office, two small grocery stores, and limited activities to do. "According to our research of Alaska and other state lists there were 14 registered sex offenders living in Kotlik as of January 22, 2013.The ratio of number of residents in Kotlik to the number of sex offenders is 46 to 1 http://www.city-data.com/so/so-Kotlik-Alaska.html
" And no place, women’s advocates say, is more dangerous than Alaska’s isolated villages, where there are no roads in or out, and where people are further cut off by undependable telephone, electrical and Internet service" http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-high-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Of those fourteen, six of them were convicted for a crime against a minor. " Alaska Natives constituted 49 percent of the sex offender group and 46 percent of offenders overall. " For the categories of sex offense, 63 percent of those convicted of sexual abuse of a minor were remanded, 50 percent were rearrested and 36 percent were convicted of another offense—although not necessarily a sexual offense. For offenders convicted of sexual assault, the rates were 79 percent, 63 percent, and 45 percent respectively" http://justice.uaa.alaska.edu/forum/25/1-2springsummer2008/g_recidivism.html
ARE THESE CHANCES WE ARE WILLING TO TAKE WITH OUR YOUTH?
WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING?
As long as we are accepting of these crimes we will continue to make up 49% of the states sex offenders!
I find these numbers to very disturbing,and I say we send a new message, this will not be tolerated any longer! I find this to be rather embarrassing. Is this the image we want to continue to carry? I say no, I say we stand up and make a change. Change the messages that we are sending. Change the way we treat the victims in these cases. Offer our complete support.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Bullying and Suicide (part one)
We all know that Alaska has a very high rate of suicide. I am not an expert on suicide, nor do I wish to be. I am simply going to share my recent experience with suicide (thurs) and my thoughts on what could have driven a person to do such a thing. I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this subject as well.
After a recent loss of loved one to suicide, I sat for hours asking myself why. And here is what my brain has thought up.
Living in a small village your circle of people is very small to begin with (500 people). Of those you probably only interact with say, maybe 25. You start off going to school and everything is great, you have friends, you are free to play whenever and wherever you want with whoever you want. Soon, you are in high school and things begin to change ( you only have about 10 classmates, so your circle has grown even smaller). You join the basketball team, and all of your relatives come to see you play. The coach is introducing players and your name is called. Suddenly, your classmates are booing you very loudly, humiliating you in front of the people that mean the most to you. You choose not to go down to the gym floor. Your circle is now even smaller. The next four years of high school continue this way, with your classmates humiliating you and picking on you every chance you get. Now your circle only includes your family, and people that you may have casual contact with, say, at the grocery store or post office. What teenager wants the only person they have positive contact with to be their mother? You continue to push on, with a plan to leave the village as soon as you are old enough. You graduate and join the military, where things go well, for a while. Soon something happens so dramatic ( I will save that for another topic) that you are forced to go home. Heartbreak.
After a recent loss of loved one to suicide, I sat for hours asking myself why. And here is what my brain has thought up.
Living in a small village your circle of people is very small to begin with (500 people). Of those you probably only interact with say, maybe 25. You start off going to school and everything is great, you have friends, you are free to play whenever and wherever you want with whoever you want. Soon, you are in high school and things begin to change ( you only have about 10 classmates, so your circle has grown even smaller). You join the basketball team, and all of your relatives come to see you play. The coach is introducing players and your name is called. Suddenly, your classmates are booing you very loudly, humiliating you in front of the people that mean the most to you. You choose not to go down to the gym floor. Your circle is now even smaller. The next four years of high school continue this way, with your classmates humiliating you and picking on you every chance you get. Now your circle only includes your family, and people that you may have casual contact with, say, at the grocery store or post office. What teenager wants the only person they have positive contact with to be their mother? You continue to push on, with a plan to leave the village as soon as you are old enough. You graduate and join the military, where things go well, for a while. Soon something happens so dramatic ( I will save that for another topic) that you are forced to go home. Heartbreak.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog about being a Modern Native! I would like to start my blog off by thanking you for your interest.
I am an Alaskan Native who has moved from a village in Western Alaska to Anchorage. The transition was not easy. There were a variety of reasons for my wanting to leave the village. A lot of those villages have issues that I feel are brushed under the rug, so to speak. I would like to provide an open forum for Natives to voice their concerns and ideas for possible solutions as openly as possible.
I would like to start this Blog with my readers posting ideas that they feel don't get enough attention.
Again, thank you for coming.
Happy reading!
I am an Alaskan Native who has moved from a village in Western Alaska to Anchorage. The transition was not easy. There were a variety of reasons for my wanting to leave the village. A lot of those villages have issues that I feel are brushed under the rug, so to speak. I would like to provide an open forum for Natives to voice their concerns and ideas for possible solutions as openly as possible.
I would like to start this Blog with my readers posting ideas that they feel don't get enough attention.
Again, thank you for coming.
Happy reading!
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