Random thoughts years later

As I am about to have a child, I sometimes feel sad that my son will never know his culture. But, it is a choice I am making and will stick to. I will never, ever bring him to the village that I grew up in. It hurts to know that he will never really know his heritage, but until things change its not something I am comfortable subjecting him to.
I am now 31 years old, and I often have dreams of getting raped at my grandmothers house. It's always in the porch, but not always by the same person. I wonder if I will have these nightmares for the rest of my life?
I also wonder if my uncle who is now free is abusing other little children? What's going to stop him? I know from speaking with family who is still back home that he hasn't changed and even seems more aggressive in his perverted ways, even openly making suggestions of having relations with his own relatives. Which makes me recall a time when he called drunk and told my mom (his own sister) that she really pisses him off because shes his own sister and "won't let him do it to her". What the hell goes on these peoples minds?
I also was reading the articles about the priests abusing people in St. Michael, and one of the priests named was a priest in my village, which makes me wonder if my uncle was abused? (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/the-silence/)
I recently had a strange dream about my grandfather who I've never met coming and speaking to me, about how heartbroken he was to see his grandchildren this way. He told me that someone needs to be protecting the younger ones. Is that my conscience feeling guilty for not returning?
But I know in my heart, that there is NO possible way of me ever returning to that place. What in the heck would happen when I came face to face with the man who did those things to me? I don't think anything pretty would come of it. I've had over twenty years to be thinking of this, and I know the bastard doesn't feel any remorse. And I when I think of him calling me from jail and telling me that if I didn't forgive that I would go to hell, I feel pure rage. Which also makes me wonder about people who are stuck in the village and have to face there abusers on a daily basis for ever? How in the heck do they deal?

Walk a mile in my shoes, would you have made it?

One of the hardest things for me growing up, up until the day I spoke up about my uncle, was going to my Grandmother's house, which was a daily thing. I truly LIVED NEXT DOOR TO MY ATTACKER. I can speak about this from experience. Every day of my life I had to face him and act as though nothing was wrong, but believe me, every time I laid eyes on him, I had thoughts of doing things no person should ever think. I literally would have to converse with the person on a regular basis as though nothing was ever wrong. The hatred that it created was much too great to explain in writing. I was always on edge, and always felt like he was about to do something to me. Some nights, I would fantasize about the ways that I could kill him. About how easy it would be to do one of the nights he drank himself into a drunken stupor. Thankfully, I never acted on it.
We as a community can prevent so much tragedy and heartache by simply speaking up. We can stop these people from victimizing others, we can empower other people to speak up. There is NO  reason to try and silence the victims or to defend their attackers, family or not! What they are doing is wrong and creates a lifetime of heartache, which will go on to create even more problems in the future. Telling a victim to be hush about what happened or saying they are making it up, is doing nothing but further victimizing that person.
I myself had many serious issues that I know aren't all directly related to what happened, but I'm sure some of my actions were my way of acting out because I was so full of hatred and had no where to direct it.
We should all place ourselves in the victims shoes, think about how hard it must be to live your life day to day going face to face with someone who did such things to you, and how it must feel to know that if you say anything, that you may rid yourself of your attacker, but you must still face those who turned on you for doing what was right, knowing that there is no way around it. Think about it.

Sex offenders and acceptance

A reader of mine brought up an interesting point. She was living in a small village where her attacker was free to roam after the crime was committed. Why are we so willing to forgive these people? Is it because we want to avoid conflict? Do we simply act as though nothing ever happened just to keep peace? Are these victims living in peace? Is it fair to them? 

So I did a little research and the numbers are very disturbing.

In my village there are 14 registered sex offenders and 577 people. What are the chances of running into your attacker? Pretty dang high I'd say, given it is only about a mile long, with one post office, two small grocery stores, and limited activities to do. "According to our research of Alaska and other state lists there were 14 registered sex offenders living in Kotlik as of January 22, 2013.
The ratio of number of residents in Kotlik to the number of sex offenders is 46 to 1  http://www.city-data.com/so/so-Kotlik-Alaska.html
" And no place, women’s advocates say, is more dangerous than Alaska’s isolated villages, where there are no roads in or out, and where people are further cut off by undependable telephone, electrical and Internet service" http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-high-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0


Of those fourteen, six of them were convicted for a crime against  a minor. " Alaska Natives constituted 49 percent of the sex offender group and 46 percent of offenders overall. " For the categories of sex offense, 63 percent of those convicted of sexual abuse of a minor were remanded, 50 percent were rearrested and 36 percent were convicted of another offense—although not necessarily a sexual offense. For offenders convicted of sexual assault, the rates were 79 percent, 63 percent, and 45 percent respectively" http://justice.uaa.alaska.edu/forum/25/1-2springsummer2008/g_recidivism.html

ARE THESE CHANCES WE ARE WILLING TO TAKE WITH OUR YOUTH?

WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING?

 

As long as we are accepting of these crimes we will continue to make up 49% of the states sex offenders!

I find these numbers to very disturbing,and I say we send a new message, this will not be tolerated any longer! I find this to be rather embarrassing. Is this the image we want to continue to carry? I say no, I say we stand up and make a change. Change the messages that we are sending. Change the way we treat the victims in these cases. Offer our complete support.

 

 

Living Next door to your attacker.

Sexual Assault in the Village

I have witnessed many friends and relatives go through the pains of being sexually assaulted in the village. Many people do not know that living in a small community it is frowned upon for a woman to speak up after being assaulted. Often times it seems virtually impossible for one to even report being assaulted. How does one continue to live in a community that is often less than a mile long, with relatives and friends of her attacker, after reporting such a (disgusting) crime? Where would she go? Who could she talk to? Villages lack the resources that are available in Anchorage for victims of sexual assault, but it happens at a much higher rate. When her attacker is released from jail, what happens next?