Random thoughts years later

As I am about to have a child, I sometimes feel sad that my son will never know his culture. But, it is a choice I am making and will stick to. I will never, ever bring him to the village that I grew up in. It hurts to know that he will never really know his heritage, but until things change its not something I am comfortable subjecting him to.
I am now 31 years old, and I often have dreams of getting raped at my grandmothers house. It's always in the porch, but not always by the same person. I wonder if I will have these nightmares for the rest of my life?
I also wonder if my uncle who is now free is abusing other little children? What's going to stop him? I know from speaking with family who is still back home that he hasn't changed and even seems more aggressive in his perverted ways, even openly making suggestions of having relations with his own relatives. Which makes me recall a time when he called drunk and told my mom (his own sister) that she really pisses him off because shes his own sister and "won't let him do it to her". What the hell goes on these peoples minds?
I also was reading the articles about the priests abusing people in St. Michael, and one of the priests named was a priest in my village, which makes me wonder if my uncle was abused? (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/the-silence/)
I recently had a strange dream about my grandfather who I've never met coming and speaking to me, about how heartbroken he was to see his grandchildren this way. He told me that someone needs to be protecting the younger ones. Is that my conscience feeling guilty for not returning?
But I know in my heart, that there is NO possible way of me ever returning to that place. What in the heck would happen when I came face to face with the man who did those things to me? I don't think anything pretty would come of it. I've had over twenty years to be thinking of this, and I know the bastard doesn't feel any remorse. And I when I think of him calling me from jail and telling me that if I didn't forgive that I would go to hell, I feel pure rage. Which also makes me wonder about people who are stuck in the village and have to face there abusers on a daily basis for ever? How in the heck do they deal?

Its a different world

As I was in line at the supermarket yesterday purchasing some seafood for dinner, an older gentleman sparked up a conversation with me. We began talking about the various seafoods that Alaska has to offer. I began talking about how store bought fish and crab just isn't the same as when you just catch it and eat it. He then asked me where I'm from and I told him that I was from Kotlik, AK. At that point he told me that he was born and raised in Anchorage, Alaska and asked me if he could be frank with me. I told him to go right ahead. He then told me a story of how during his entire life in Anchorage he was probably one of the most racist people in Alaska against natives. He told me he always thought of them as rude, stupid, dirty, gross, and as drunks. Until last year his company sent him to a village on the upper Kuskokwim river. He told me that he was dreading the trip and told his company that he would not go, but was told that he had to go, so he went. During his visit there he had an awakening as to the differences of being in the village and being in Anchorage. He felt that he had gone to a whole new country. He told me that he felt incredible guilt for all of the things that he said during his lifetime. He said that the people there were the kindest and most welcoming people he had ever met. He said that he didn't meet a single person who didn't invite him over for something to eat and that all of the villagers would ask him if he had eaten yet. He also had a new understanding of why some natives dress the way they do once he saw that there really was no place to shop and that water was very scarce. He said that every home that he went into for dinner although modest and often made of just plywood, they were impeccable. He was also amazed at how hard working the children were and at the amount of respect people showed for their elders and for one another. He also had a new understanding of why natives do not waste food when eating out. He was very amazed and wanted to apologize to me as a native it would make any difference.
Just wanted to share.

Victim Impact Statement (names of villages omitted to protect the victim's identity) Asked to please share

My life has changed since I was sexually abused. My attitude got worse. It never used to be this bad. I get grumpy so easily and I don’t know why. Little things make me upset and I never used to be that sensitive. My grades dropped. I used to get mostly A’s and now I have a lot of difficulty in school. I don’t always get good grades anymore and I was barely passing any of my classes. I feel like I have to be careful with people. I don’t trust people well anymore. Guys are often scary to be around and it’s hard to trust them because I never know what may happen.
I think about it a lot. It makes me have low self-esteem because of what happened. I feel like everyone knows what happened to me, especially when I go out. Sometimes I feel guilty about what happened, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I feel angry, mad, and disgusted when I think about it. I trusted him and he took that all away. It hurts me to think about what he did to me.
It has made things hard on my family. I know that it hurts my mom, grandma, and sisters to see me go through this. Sometimes I get anxiety about it. I have trouble breathing sometimes and my mom thinks that they are anxiety attacks. These started happening after the abuse occurred. My family had to move from
xxxxx to Bethel because of what happened. After the abuse started happening I felt depressed. I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.
I started staying home after the abuse began. I used to always go out with friends before that. I was scared. I didn’t like when he was around. I was scared to be alone at home and with him. I would call a friend to talk or I would read so that I wouldn’t feel unsafe or isolated. I always think I’m ugly now. I remember when I was younger I used to think I was pretty. I find so many things that are wrong with me. I think these self-hating feelings started after I was abused.

Saturday

Child Molestation, final piece

So at school I started to be mad at everyone and never wanted to do anything. We were walking in line to the gym one day and I did not want to go. The teacher aide was like come on , why are you being so slow? At that point I remembered being taught about "good touch, bad touch" so I busted out crying and told her. She mocked me. She repeated what I said with a sneer and with high pitched whiny voice and said hurry up. I never spoke up again.
Soon we were brought to Seattle to be reunited with our parents, and I never told my father. I often thought of him beating my sister's boyfriend almost to death and for some reason did not want him to do the same to my uncle.
As the years go by I continue keeping this inside. I would only wear clothes that were wayyy too big for me. I would not let my mother fix my hair. I did NOT want to be attractive in any way. Before I would go to sleep at night, I would surround myself with chairs and other big objects so that I could hear if anyone came near me.
In the fourth grade, I started to get very sick, I would throw up every time I ate, my stomach was always hurting. I lost about 15 pounds on my already tiny body. My parents kept bringing me to the hospital in Bethel, and the doctors always said the same thing. I was faking it. One day I threw up dark thick blood, so my parents pooled up enough money to take me to Anchorage. While there I got an endoscopy and it was discovered that I had bleeding ulcers. The doctor knew right away and brought me to a room and asked me point blank. I broke out in tears and did not say anything still.
I was given medication that helped, and sent back home.
As the years go by, I am told by other relatives that the same uncle was doing the same things to them. This infuriated me as I was the oldest cousin.
Soon at 17 I was ready to go off to college. I start thinking, I'm never coming back anyways, and I called up the Alaska State Troopers and speak up. I tell them everything, including what he is doing to my cousins. After I spoke up, some of my cousins also told. Other's did not.
About a week later, I stopped at my Grandmother's house and my uncle was standing there reading his indictment. He yelled at me, "why did you say these things about me? I'm going to go to jail for a long time!" I yelled back, "cause that's what you did to me you sick fuck! Your ass was probably even too drunk to remember!" Then my Grandmother came out of her room and yelled at me too. Saying that we shouldn't say those things about family members, we should always keep the peace. I stormed out mad and hurt as ever. How could my grandmother think that this was OK? I soon leave off for college. My Grandmother and I don't speak for years. About two years after my uncle was arrested and convicted, he had the fucking nerve to call me. He told me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to go to hell. I also got a Christmas card from him, telling me that he confessed his sins to God and that if I forgive him it was a sin. WTF?!?
But I felt a new sense of freedom knowing that he was paying for what he did, not only to me, but for what he did to my younger relatives as well. I felt empowered. At about 23 I called my Grandmother, and asked her why she thought that was OK. I was crying and she apologized. We now are very close and she understands.

Bullying and Suicide (part two)

So you go home. At first it feels good to be around family for the holidays. However, the village is small and the people haven't changed. The sneers and insults become even more frequent. Your circle continues to get smaller. Now you basically only have conversations with your family. Every time you leave the house and say "hello" to someone, they say, "eww, gross, disgusting, or don't talk to me". Some have even taken to hitting you or spitting on you when you leave the house. So you stop leaving the house. You are in a small, house in the village and your circle has become about five people. This goes on for a few years, lets say, five. You have no mental stimulation except for what's on the free t.v. channel. You don't leave the house at all. You begin to fall into a deep depression. At this point you start asking yourself, what is the point of living? Is this how my life is going to be forever? Will I be trapped in these four walls with nothing to do and no one to talk to for the next fifty or more years? A few more years go by and you try your hardest to stay strong, but the depression deepens. Soon, you family moves. Now your circle is completely gone. You HAVE to leave the house and endure the bullying to get the things necessary to survive. Every time you leave you are pushed even further down. Now you continue to live, not talking to anyone at all for the next, three years or more. Then what? One day you are sitting in your room after not having had any real conversations with people, or any positive experiences, really for the last ten years. You are sitting there, and you make a decision, I'm leaving. This is the only way. Then you do it. You take your life and put an end to the suffering. Now you are laid to rest for an eternity in the very place you spent your life trying and wishing to escape. Next to the very people who pushed you to this point.

Bullying and Suicide (part one)

We all know that Alaska has a very high rate of suicide. I am not an expert on suicide, nor do I wish to be. I am simply going to share my recent experience with suicide (thurs) and my thoughts on what could have driven a person to do such a thing. I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this subject as well.
After a recent loss of loved one to suicide, I sat for hours asking myself why. And here is what my brain has thought up.
Living in a small village your circle of people is very small to begin with (500 people). Of those you probably only interact with say, maybe 25. You start off going to school and everything is great, you have friends, you are free to play whenever and wherever you want with whoever you want. Soon, you are in high school and things begin to change ( you only have about 10 classmates, so your circle has grown even smaller). You join the basketball team, and all of your relatives come to see you play. The coach is introducing players and your name is called. Suddenly, your classmates are booing you very loudly, humiliating you in front of the people that mean the most to you. You choose not to go down to the gym floor. Your circle is now even smaller. The next four years of high school continue this way, with your classmates humiliating you and picking on you every chance you get. Now your circle only includes your family, and people that you may have casual contact with, say, at the grocery store or post office. What teenager wants the only person they have positive contact with to be their mother? You continue to push on, with a plan to leave the village as soon as you are old enough. You graduate and join the military, where things go well, for a while. Soon something happens so dramatic ( I will save that for another topic) that you are forced to go home. Heartbreak.

The Grass is (not) Always Greener on the Other Side

Moving from a village of 600 to Anchorage was definitely a dramatic change. Before, I only ate at home or in a relatives house, suddenly there was a plethora of restaurants to choose from ( I did not know what most of the food was either). In the village, the only option to shop for school clothes was to do so from a catalog, now there were malls, and shops EVERYWHERE. I was used to having to go to a public laundromat and paying out the butt to take a shower (not daily either), now I was free to shower whenever and as often as I wanted. At home I could walk from one end of town to the other in under fifteen minutes, now I had to find some type of transportation for everything I wanted or needed to do, and was often lost.
While this was all new and exciting, I soon began to miss the things that I had spent all of my life doing and eating. I missed walking next door to Gramma's house and eating her yummy bread. I missed eating fresh whale and fish. I missed the potlatches and the basketball games. I missed all of my cousin's being there whenever I needed or wanted to see them. I missed listening to the VHF (lol).
With this being said, what are the things you miss most about being in the village? For my reader's in the village, what do you wish were available that people in the city have easy access to?
I look forward to reading your replies. Quyana tailuten atam tang'rrciqamken! (thank you for coming)
( I would love to see photo's of your villages or your favorite foods in the village!)

Living Next door to your attacker.

Sexual Assault in the Village

I have witnessed many friends and relatives go through the pains of being sexually assaulted in the village. Many people do not know that living in a small community it is frowned upon for a woman to speak up after being assaulted. Often times it seems virtually impossible for one to even report being assaulted. How does one continue to live in a community that is often less than a mile long, with relatives and friends of her attacker, after reporting such a (disgusting) crime? Where would she go? Who could she talk to? Villages lack the resources that are available in Anchorage for victims of sexual assault, but it happens at a much higher rate. When her attacker is released from jail, what happens next?