Victim Impact Statement (names of villages omitted to protect the victim's identity) Asked to please share

My life has changed since I was sexually abused. My attitude got worse. It never used to be this bad. I get grumpy so easily and I don’t know why. Little things make me upset and I never used to be that sensitive. My grades dropped. I used to get mostly A’s and now I have a lot of difficulty in school. I don’t always get good grades anymore and I was barely passing any of my classes. I feel like I have to be careful with people. I don’t trust people well anymore. Guys are often scary to be around and it’s hard to trust them because I never know what may happen.
I think about it a lot. It makes me have low self-esteem because of what happened. I feel like everyone knows what happened to me, especially when I go out. Sometimes I feel guilty about what happened, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I feel angry, mad, and disgusted when I think about it. I trusted him and he took that all away. It hurts me to think about what he did to me.
It has made things hard on my family. I know that it hurts my mom, grandma, and sisters to see me go through this. Sometimes I get anxiety about it. I have trouble breathing sometimes and my mom thinks that they are anxiety attacks. These started happening after the abuse occurred. My family had to move from
xxxxx to Bethel because of what happened. After the abuse started happening I felt depressed. I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.
I started staying home after the abuse began. I used to always go out with friends before that. I was scared. I didn’t like when he was around. I was scared to be alone at home and with him. I would call a friend to talk or I would read so that I wouldn’t feel unsafe or isolated. I always think I’m ugly now. I remember when I was younger I used to think I was pretty. I find so many things that are wrong with me. I think these self-hating feelings started after I was abused.

Saturday

Why?

Since I have started this blog, I have received hundreds of emails from both natives and non-natives describing their own suicide attempts or telling the stories of loved ones who have succumbed to suicide. I can honestly say that every story was very unique. Some were bullied, some were having serious family issues, others suffered depression, and many were sexually assaulted. The one thing that seemed to keep popping out is that they did not talk about what they were feeling or going through. In many stories, the writer speaks of crying themselves to sleep alone at night, and feeling that they had no one to talk to.
So this makes me think of some of the things that we are taught growing up. Don't cry too much for loved ones that have passed. Right or wrong? It depends on who you ask. Forgive. What if we aren't really ready to forgive? Should we be allowed to show anger to those who have wronged us? Is it this quick forgiveness that makes sexual predators think that it's OK to do what they do? I know that when my attacker was in jail, he actually had the nerve to call me and tell me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to hell!
Regardless, I have been trying and trying to figure out what it is about Alaska Natives that makes us more susceptible to suicide? I have heard many, many theories since starting this blog, ranging from bullying, to easy access to firearms. Will we ever have an answer?
I also found out that contrary to popular belief, most suicides occur in the spring. The reason being is that depressed people are thinking differently than non-depressed people in the spring. When the rest of us are enjoying the longer days and enjoying the spring, they are unhappy. While everyone around them seem super happy, they feel like their life is super crappy and seeing everyone else full of joy makes them feel even worse. So in conclusion I would like to say that with the longer days coming up, please pay close attention to those around you. There are warning signs that most people will exhibit, especially if they have attempted suicide before.
Warning signs that someone may be thinking about or planning to commit suicide include:

• Always talking or thinking about death
• Clinical depression -- deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating -- that gets worse
• Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving fast or running red lights
• Losing interest in things one used to care about
• Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
• Saying things like "it would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
• Sudden, unexpected switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
• Talking about suicide or killing one's self
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye