Walk a mile in my shoes, would you have made it?

One of the hardest things for me growing up, up until the day I spoke up about my uncle, was going to my Grandmother's house, which was a daily thing. I truly LIVED NEXT DOOR TO MY ATTACKER. I can speak about this from experience. Every day of my life I had to face him and act as though nothing was wrong, but believe me, every time I laid eyes on him, I had thoughts of doing things no person should ever think. I literally would have to converse with the person on a regular basis as though nothing was ever wrong. The hatred that it created was much too great to explain in writing. I was always on edge, and always felt like he was about to do something to me. Some nights, I would fantasize about the ways that I could kill him. About how easy it would be to do one of the nights he drank himself into a drunken stupor. Thankfully, I never acted on it.
We as a community can prevent so much tragedy and heartache by simply speaking up. We can stop these people from victimizing others, we can empower other people to speak up. There is NO  reason to try and silence the victims or to defend their attackers, family or not! What they are doing is wrong and creates a lifetime of heartache, which will go on to create even more problems in the future. Telling a victim to be hush about what happened or saying they are making it up, is doing nothing but further victimizing that person.
I myself had many serious issues that I know aren't all directly related to what happened, but I'm sure some of my actions were my way of acting out because I was so full of hatred and had no where to direct it.
We should all place ourselves in the victims shoes, think about how hard it must be to live your life day to day going face to face with someone who did such things to you, and how it must feel to know that if you say anything, that you may rid yourself of your attacker, but you must still face those who turned on you for doing what was right, knowing that there is no way around it. Think about it.

Why?

Since I have started this blog, I have received hundreds of emails from both natives and non-natives describing their own suicide attempts or telling the stories of loved ones who have succumbed to suicide. I can honestly say that every story was very unique. Some were bullied, some were having serious family issues, others suffered depression, and many were sexually assaulted. The one thing that seemed to keep popping out is that they did not talk about what they were feeling or going through. In many stories, the writer speaks of crying themselves to sleep alone at night, and feeling that they had no one to talk to.
So this makes me think of some of the things that we are taught growing up. Don't cry too much for loved ones that have passed. Right or wrong? It depends on who you ask. Forgive. What if we aren't really ready to forgive? Should we be allowed to show anger to those who have wronged us? Is it this quick forgiveness that makes sexual predators think that it's OK to do what they do? I know that when my attacker was in jail, he actually had the nerve to call me and tell me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to hell!
Regardless, I have been trying and trying to figure out what it is about Alaska Natives that makes us more susceptible to suicide? I have heard many, many theories since starting this blog, ranging from bullying, to easy access to firearms. Will we ever have an answer?
I also found out that contrary to popular belief, most suicides occur in the spring. The reason being is that depressed people are thinking differently than non-depressed people in the spring. When the rest of us are enjoying the longer days and enjoying the spring, they are unhappy. While everyone around them seem super happy, they feel like their life is super crappy and seeing everyone else full of joy makes them feel even worse. So in conclusion I would like to say that with the longer days coming up, please pay close attention to those around you. There are warning signs that most people will exhibit, especially if they have attempted suicide before.
Warning signs that someone may be thinking about or planning to commit suicide include:

• Always talking or thinking about death
• Clinical depression -- deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating -- that gets worse
• Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving fast or running red lights
• Losing interest in things one used to care about
• Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
• Saying things like "it would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
• Sudden, unexpected switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
• Talking about suicide or killing one's self
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye

SUICIDE VIGIL

Please join Alaska Thick Mami's for a candlelight vigil for  lives lost to suicide on the 15th of February at the Town Square @6pm. Speakers will be MzSarah and myself with a flash dance performance as well.

Sex offenders and acceptance

A reader of mine brought up an interesting point. She was living in a small village where her attacker was free to roam after the crime was committed. Why are we so willing to forgive these people? Is it because we want to avoid conflict? Do we simply act as though nothing ever happened just to keep peace? Are these victims living in peace? Is it fair to them? 

So I did a little research and the numbers are very disturbing.

In my village there are 14 registered sex offenders and 577 people. What are the chances of running into your attacker? Pretty dang high I'd say, given it is only about a mile long, with one post office, two small grocery stores, and limited activities to do. "According to our research of Alaska and other state lists there were 14 registered sex offenders living in Kotlik as of January 22, 2013.
The ratio of number of residents in Kotlik to the number of sex offenders is 46 to 1  http://www.city-data.com/so/so-Kotlik-Alaska.html
" And no place, women’s advocates say, is more dangerous than Alaska’s isolated villages, where there are no roads in or out, and where people are further cut off by undependable telephone, electrical and Internet service" http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-high-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0


Of those fourteen, six of them were convicted for a crime against  a minor. " Alaska Natives constituted 49 percent of the sex offender group and 46 percent of offenders overall. " For the categories of sex offense, 63 percent of those convicted of sexual abuse of a minor were remanded, 50 percent were rearrested and 36 percent were convicted of another offense—although not necessarily a sexual offense. For offenders convicted of sexual assault, the rates were 79 percent, 63 percent, and 45 percent respectively" http://justice.uaa.alaska.edu/forum/25/1-2springsummer2008/g_recidivism.html

ARE THESE CHANCES WE ARE WILLING TO TAKE WITH OUR YOUTH?

WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING?

 

As long as we are accepting of these crimes we will continue to make up 49% of the states sex offenders!

I find these numbers to very disturbing,and I say we send a new message, this will not be tolerated any longer! I find this to be rather embarrassing. Is this the image we want to continue to carry? I say no, I say we stand up and make a change. Change the messages that we are sending. Change the way we treat the victims in these cases. Offer our complete support.

 

 

Bullying and Suicide (part two)

So you go home. At first it feels good to be around family for the holidays. However, the village is small and the people haven't changed. The sneers and insults become even more frequent. Your circle continues to get smaller. Now you basically only have conversations with your family. Every time you leave the house and say "hello" to someone, they say, "eww, gross, disgusting, or don't talk to me". Some have even taken to hitting you or spitting on you when you leave the house. So you stop leaving the house. You are in a small, house in the village and your circle has become about five people. This goes on for a few years, lets say, five. You have no mental stimulation except for what's on the free t.v. channel. You don't leave the house at all. You begin to fall into a deep depression. At this point you start asking yourself, what is the point of living? Is this how my life is going to be forever? Will I be trapped in these four walls with nothing to do and no one to talk to for the next fifty or more years? A few more years go by and you try your hardest to stay strong, but the depression deepens. Soon, you family moves. Now your circle is completely gone. You HAVE to leave the house and endure the bullying to get the things necessary to survive. Every time you leave you are pushed even further down. Now you continue to live, not talking to anyone at all for the next, three years or more. Then what? One day you are sitting in your room after not having had any real conversations with people, or any positive experiences, really for the last ten years. You are sitting there, and you make a decision, I'm leaving. This is the only way. Then you do it. You take your life and put an end to the suffering. Now you are laid to rest for an eternity in the very place you spent your life trying and wishing to escape. Next to the very people who pushed you to this point.

Bullying and Suicide (part one)

We all know that Alaska has a very high rate of suicide. I am not an expert on suicide, nor do I wish to be. I am simply going to share my recent experience with suicide (thurs) and my thoughts on what could have driven a person to do such a thing. I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this subject as well.
After a recent loss of loved one to suicide, I sat for hours asking myself why. And here is what my brain has thought up.
Living in a small village your circle of people is very small to begin with (500 people). Of those you probably only interact with say, maybe 25. You start off going to school and everything is great, you have friends, you are free to play whenever and wherever you want with whoever you want. Soon, you are in high school and things begin to change ( you only have about 10 classmates, so your circle has grown even smaller). You join the basketball team, and all of your relatives come to see you play. The coach is introducing players and your name is called. Suddenly, your classmates are booing you very loudly, humiliating you in front of the people that mean the most to you. You choose not to go down to the gym floor. Your circle is now even smaller. The next four years of high school continue this way, with your classmates humiliating you and picking on you every chance you get. Now your circle only includes your family, and people that you may have casual contact with, say, at the grocery store or post office. What teenager wants the only person they have positive contact with to be their mother? You continue to push on, with a plan to leave the village as soon as you are old enough. You graduate and join the military, where things go well, for a while. Soon something happens so dramatic ( I will save that for another topic) that you are forced to go home. Heartbreak.