Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Child Molestation, final piece

So at school I started to be mad at everyone and never wanted to do anything. We were walking in line to the gym one day and I did not want to go. The teacher aide was like come on , why are you being so slow? At that point I remembered being taught about "good touch, bad touch" so I busted out crying and told her. She mocked me. She repeated what I said with a sneer and with high pitched whiny voice and said hurry up. I never spoke up again.
Soon we were brought to Seattle to be reunited with our parents, and I never told my father. I often thought of him beating my sister's boyfriend almost to death and for some reason did not want him to do the same to my uncle.
As the years go by I continue keeping this inside. I would only wear clothes that were wayyy too big for me. I would not let my mother fix my hair. I did NOT want to be attractive in any way. Before I would go to sleep at night, I would surround myself with chairs and other big objects so that I could hear if anyone came near me.
In the fourth grade, I started to get very sick, I would throw up every time I ate, my stomach was always hurting. I lost about 15 pounds on my already tiny body. My parents kept bringing me to the hospital in Bethel, and the doctors always said the same thing. I was faking it. One day I threw up dark thick blood, so my parents pooled up enough money to take me to Anchorage. While there I got an endoscopy and it was discovered that I had bleeding ulcers. The doctor knew right away and brought me to a room and asked me point blank. I broke out in tears and did not say anything still.
I was given medication that helped, and sent back home.
As the years go by, I am told by other relatives that the same uncle was doing the same things to them. This infuriated me as I was the oldest cousin.
Soon at 17 I was ready to go off to college. I start thinking, I'm never coming back anyways, and I called up the Alaska State Troopers and speak up. I tell them everything, including what he is doing to my cousins. After I spoke up, some of my cousins also told. Other's did not.
About a week later, I stopped at my Grandmother's house and my uncle was standing there reading his indictment. He yelled at me, "why did you say these things about me? I'm going to go to jail for a long time!" I yelled back, "cause that's what you did to me you sick fuck! Your ass was probably even too drunk to remember!" Then my Grandmother came out of her room and yelled at me too. Saying that we shouldn't say those things about family members, we should always keep the peace. I stormed out mad and hurt as ever. How could my grandmother think that this was OK? I soon leave off for college. My Grandmother and I don't speak for years. About two years after my uncle was arrested and convicted, he had the fucking nerve to call me. He told me that if I didn't forgive him I was going to go to hell. I also got a Christmas card from him, telling me that he confessed his sins to God and that if I forgive him it was a sin. WTF?!?
But I felt a new sense of freedom knowing that he was paying for what he did, not only to me, but for what he did to my younger relatives as well. I felt empowered. At about 23 I called my Grandmother, and asked her why she thought that was OK. I was crying and she apologized. We now are very close and she understands.

4 comments:

  1. This is so common in villages which is sad to say. I was molested by 7 men as I was growing up, one of them was my brother-in-law, then 2 uncles and my grandfather....
    I never told anyone because I know how things go in the village, you tell then you are told to be quiet and accept it. I am glad you spoke up. I am glad that some of your cousins did also.
    I found out that WBB and SMK have the highest reports of this kind of thing in our region yet when I go to WBB, I see all the sick men walking free. I know if I confront half the men who hurt me then the whole village will hate me and my kids. My own sister denies what her husband did to others so I know she wouldn't believe me either. Sad feeling. Then again I really believe in Karma and that God watches all. I see how the lives of those men have fallen apart and I find comfort in knowing that they are suffering in some way. I will leave you with this quote that helped me forgive (especially my brother-in-law):
    "To forgive releases the bitter ties that bind you to those that hurt you." I also chose to forgive and move on when my husband pointed out that the men who hurt me sleep at night and I don't. By allowing the hurt to constantly live with me I was allowing the men to continue to control me. That was my ah-ha moment. I have forgiven but I WILL NEVER FORGET!

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    Replies
    1. Dear Was Hurt Too Much,
      Thank you for sharing, I know it is never easy. I am glad that you have moved on. And I am glad that you are brave enough to share. Together we as a people can change these numbers. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure and I wish you the best and the most happy Easter.

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  2. I an very glad to hear you spoke up. I'm happy to hear more and more people are talking about the horrible things that happen. I spoke up twice about the things that were happening to me and both my mother and grandmother turned their heads. I will continue to talk about domestic abuse until it is no longer acceptable to turn your head the other way.

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  3. Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for sharing, I am glad that you spoke up and continue to speak up. I beleive that it is up to us to show these people that WE will not tolerate it. I think that as long as we are silent and accepting of it, it will continue to happen and to destroy lives.
    Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

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